drawer of thoughts

a curation of raw sentences from journal entries since grade 9

grade 9

Realistically no one knows where they are going for life (people act like they know they have their shit together when they dont)
cant do so many things in one day; shouldnt waste energy thinking about what I could have done but rather what I have done.
Elders are slowly deteriorating, and it is becoming more and more visible over time; hearing problems, Alzheimer’s, physical capabilities, mannerism, and daily stuff: as a result of pandemic and winter —> stay indoors, on technology very often, watching, listening, communicating, creating, always-on computer or self-phone or headphones connected — almost simulates the life of an average gen z. in the media we consume. In that sense, the elderly are suffering — or rather experiencing — the life that we make. Makes them very similar to the younger generation in media consumption.
“Fun” is something that I believe cannot fully feel: all friends describe event, activity, thing as so fun and they feel satisfied for a duration; while I recall the “fun” moment but it seems like I am always the one that is not as hype or happy about it(I forget the fun-est )
Sometimes — occasionally — feel as though i struggle to articulate myself well (stuttering, brain fog) which lowers my self-esteem/confidence/overall mood to conversate w/ those around me
Thinking deeply about my privileges and luckiness compared to others; either feel pity for them and restrict my potential in order to satisfy them from how i would perceive OR privilege to my advantage and do not feel bad or any form of pity
reading any “good” book for new readers feel like it would be the “best book” ever; however as time progresses you digest more books, your standard elevates but the pedestal you put that book on the increase but slightly, so even if the book if better than the “best book”, the feeling you get does not defeat the original feeling you get after reading
When i get overwhelmed from various thoughts stemming from the bigger picture — i oftentimes get frustrated or feeling of strain from a lot — i should allocate one day(hump day) in the week to organize things and make sure that things are in place and rightly aligned with me
finger nails forming outline of book and it closes as it goes from thumb to pinky
think back on How to Win Friends and Influence People and Carnegie’s tips to Smile, be interested in the person for them to show interest in you, and say their name → something i subconsciously noticed in grade 5 when kids behaved better once the teacher called their name; this came off as opposite effect — due to immaturity — because they acted naughty in order to obtain the satisfaction of “name-calling” from teachers
mental states and mood swings dictate the capabilities of my speech and my thinking when having conversations or doing anything
conversating with people who have a passion for a specific thing and discussing it with them feels radiating. you can feel their passion and makes me more inclined to learn more about how they are so passionate about something.
inferiority complex; when talking to certain people who have status or achievement it is easy intuitively to put them on a pedestal and not talk with them as equals

grade 10

it’s so interesting pondering about how other people — close or not — think of you and when they spill things about their interpretation on you, it’s very surprising. surprising in a way that they know/offer things about you that you wouldn’t expect them to have enough evidence to make that
certain little kids have ‘embedded ancient wisdom’. so similar to the times in which i told my parents very wise things or pieces of advice and it would impact them like i was told from the perspective of a renowned philosopher
the feeling of AWE is when you feel insignificant and minuscule on the spectrum — humble and humility — of the thing being awed upon, yet so connected to it at the same time.
there is a big difference between loneliness and solitude. Loneliness → when you feel weak alone. Solitude → when you feel strength alone
age is very interesting → the rate(speed) of progression during the childhood years is very similar to the rate(speed) of depreciation during the last few years of life.
confidence → all in the mind; everything that you do is a reflection of the mind. physically in sports u want it badly and u are confident and play well it’s because ur mind is confident u are doing well. u miss shots and feel less confidence is because ur mind is not in that confident state.
dorian gray effect → ppls face shape alter in accordance with their name stereotype →what your mind tell you you are, you physically morph into that ideal image in your head → what you hear(abt you as a person, what you should be like, and your name stereotype) becomes what you think abt yourself, and this becomes what your physical self.
the ending of my dream is rewired in accordance with my physical environment and noises around me sleeping
i notice not only how sensitive I am to other people’s mood but how much i let their energy — positive or negative — infect my own individual mood. its pretty bad. I can be having a regular good day, and then as a result of my friends bad mood, i over think — whether it be trying to come up with what can make them feel better, then feeling guilty from inability to do so, then “over-empathizing” for them and then all of a sudden everything in present consciousness is sad — and my whole day is ruined. i care so much. i care for people i love. i care for the semi-close friends in my life. i care for random people i talk to. i care for people i hate. i care for my own image. i care too much. i care to the point where everything positive somehow shifts to a negative outlook. how do i cope. how can i change this part of my personality? is it just the way i was raised. everything seems to be going wrong and my confidence is plummeting.

grade 11

becoming a lot more cognizant of my external image in a non-verbal social setting.
how does one truly be happy for another peer while maintaining self-confidence and straying from toxic comparison?
feel like after rigourous discpline and training past week of school — 10km runs + deep work planning book + leading and being proactive person on SAC — my mental clarity + thinking + self-competence in general has skyrocketed as a person
in grade nine or beginning of when i was trying to be more woke, i was scared that i would ‘peak’ at a certain time and that i was just lucky, but now that i am more focused on the process and i am more familiar with how i function and my spontaneous but high-focus mentality i am more confident and trust in my abilities more.
i am stressed / overthinking about if i am prioritizing the wrong “right things” given the particular season of my life
mentally hurt because after a long meditation retreat coming to terms with a lot of the stuff i went through “support-system-wise”. the emotions rlly intensified — during the retreat i understood how much it meant/affected/hurt my mental. it revealed to me all the clay encompassing my heart.

grade 12

not being afraid of showing your work + branding + marketing. you work so hard, just to throw out a story post and not write anything about it.
being able to mentor someone for a period of time and then being able to hear their gratitude towards you — how they see you as a positive leader + good example — is one of the most rewarding experiences ever
all humans being the same personality wise — recently ppl have become so much more like each other (maybe trends that happen to observe in my immediate environment) — due to isolation (covid). seems like the convergence of all these people is offputting — usually there more “types” of highschool kids/seniors; however i’m beginning to believe that there are increasingly more ppl like each other that fill a “type“
what i am pensive about is NYU. this entire week I had the choice to ask 3 of my teachers if they would be references for me. that’s all i had to do. i did not. why? was my mind completely dead set on just applying to engineering programs? what about this side of me that i find comfort in — creating/telling stories; yk this side that has a huge chunk of “who i am” attributed to it. making videos to me is so fucking special. not just youtube but has helped me so much. it feels so painful to just let it all go and realize that in my bed just now whilst watching the more emotional Breaking Bad episodes. i thought of “I Like Movies”; how that canadian 2000’s protagonist gets so sad and impacted by not getting into the one program he applied to — NYU Tisch Film. He was devestated but continued living on — he applied. the past 1-2 weeks i’ve “made up my mind” that engineering was what i will commit to, but at this moment in time — when all i have to do is complete the creative portfolio, and get recommendations (too late the deadline is the last day of the break) — i feel devestated that my “dream” or passion rather is no longer a post-secondary *option*. not a career. logically thinking it was never meant to be like that — yk pursuing the arts. but inside i feel sorrow or regret almost. how? i see some of my friends getting offers from places they really want to go to. thats great for them seriously and i am proud of myself for feeling — to a certain extent — genuine happiness for their success and hard work. but then i think about my supplemental applications and what i have written — or am about to write this break — and i get sad. sad because the most proud things i have to say off my chest are about film. are about making videos. about making an impact in this special way. and then i think about NYU. i think about “I Like Movies”. About all my friends that I have getting into their programs. Is that really what they want? Have they got it figured out? What are they compromising in their lives? Are they showing their true self? I want to express this. this has to be some sort of huge dilemma for ppl my age. like its our future. and if you really really cherish something, a passion, something so dearly but are restricted in some sort of way — parental influence, future income projection, tuition, etc. — isnt that terrible. “pursue it on the side” people say but that just doesnt hit the spot now does it? who are you? huh? an engineer? i don’t know. i don’t have an answer. this is difficult.

SYDE 1A

in progress;🔥